Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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