My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
