Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
