Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
