proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
