Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She bit a glass in half.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize