The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
