o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
