This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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