You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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