please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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