he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
