There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
