This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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