she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
