can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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