When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this just has baby written all over it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
