he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
