mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
