She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
