ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
