So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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