Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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