I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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