I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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