I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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