We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
false alarm, still single
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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