she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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