So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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