That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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