I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
