New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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