i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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