how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
