she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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