I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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