I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
