i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
