sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
