If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
