it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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