i think i have herpe
just one?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
