i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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