summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
