I CAN MOONWALK!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i think i have herpe
just one?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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