They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
