i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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