I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
