I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
