a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sober January is a disaster.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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