i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
