She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
