Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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