Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
