you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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