i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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