He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You can't just leave with hair like that
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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